Dear Mr. Lumberjack,
You are exactly like ALL of my guy friends, very intelligent and super fun and funny and adventurous. We talked about all things goofy and being kids and we walked around and talked careers and personalities and it was all quite fun. I genuinely laughed a lot! You did give me a huge revelation however. All you had to do to help me with my revelation was be yourself. To be honest, there was something just a little too familiar about you and I didn't want to be on a date with one of my guy friends... Instead, all I really wanted to do was hang out with my guy friends or any friends. I moved away from my perfect social life in another city and I have been trying since to re-create it. Yes, I realize this is impossible and close minded. I am not stupid, only nostalgic. And you helped me realize that really what I want is a community not a long string of men that I date and dump, date and dump...over and over again. It's clear that even that gets boring after a few months.
You were the last person I dated before I deleted my profile, so thank you. Thank you for helping me understand that I am looking for connection in the wrong place. It has been four months since I deleted my account and I've actually connected to a church and met some INCREDIBLE people. I am building a strong foundation of girlfriends that I enjoy and I'm pursuing my career. I had to take a break from dating, take a breather. Dating a TON of people at once kind of makes you numb in some ways and hopeless in others. I say this because as much as I talk tough, there is still that little dance of butterflies as you get ready to go out. Put on your lipstick, earrings and heels as Regina Spektor sings in the background, the anticipation of a thrilling evening builds, the hope that this one could go somewhere. And then, it doesn't. Maybe I'm too picky, maybe my expectations are unrealistic. In that case, maybe I'm better off single anyway. I don't want to be a nagging girlfriend, blegch. Maybe, I'll go back again sometime when I feel more energetic. But, men are a lot to handle. No offense. They want you to text them.... like ALL day long. Who really has time for that and being emotionally invested and vulnerable often sounds very exhausting.
I'm sure that this is more than you ever wanted to know and it is my no mistake that the majority of this letter is about me and not about you. which is probably why I'm not in a good place for a relationship anyway. I am incredibly selfish and very aware of it. But, aren't we all in some degree selfish? We all take up some breathing air right? How dare we! But that's a deeper conversation for another blog. I went searching for knowledge and I found it. I think I finally understand men, or at least the broader gist, and it only took 8 months. Now, the trick is to find one that excites me, that awakens something deeper in me, someone I actually can stand to be around for more than two hours. I probably sound so judgmental. Oh, well. Such is honesty! That's what people want most, yes? Honesty? That's what you would like right? HA! Be careful what you ask for. I imagine you reading this with a very confused facial expression and it makes me laugh full and loud at my keyboard. Life is funny. Sorry, I am also reading George Elliot's novel, Middlemarch. It's brilliant and it puts me an over-contemplative mood. All my favorite classical novelists have always been men, so it's refreshing to discover George.
In conclusion, you are awesome! Go on your life adventure! Do your thing! I'm sure you'll be wildly successful and happy, you seem like that type. Oh, and it was nice to get your text the other day. Casual, "hey, how are you?" aka. "has anything changed...still not interested?" I sent a very brief response, no questions and you were smart enough to get the message: "no, nothing has changed." Sheesh. All this social talk reading between lines...I would be nicer, but men don't handle non-committal encouragement well from women, so I trust them to get their encouragement elsewhere. And if they can't, I probably don't want to be connected anyway. Okay, i'm done. I think that's all I needed to process for now. Thanks for letting me vent, in a way. I didn't realize I felt some of these things until I articulated my thoughts into words. Best wishes!
Sincerely,
That rambler
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