I saved this letter for one of the last ones because... ugh, I still don't know what to say. Well, I suppose it would help to start at the beginning. I met you online, we messaged for a couple weeks and then I was "exclusively" dating someone else at the moment, so we took a couple month break and eventually got back in touch and met up for coffee. To be honest, I was expecting that to be the one and only date. However, you came right from work in your tie and slacks and we met in my break before a rehearsal that night. You do clean up nicely. Anyway, we started talking about life and transirions and family and I thought, "wow, he is waay cooler than I thought he'd be." You totally surprised me. You were very unassuming and confident, gosh! that's so attractive in a man. Then you got very vulnerable about where you were.. and it wasn't creepy or clingy or too much, which is strange. How did you even do that? I suppose you were just very honest. I think you're one of those people that decides either someone will like me or they wont. You can be kind and goofy and we joked around a lot. There had to be a second date.
So, we met up for chicken waffles and walked and talked in the glowing evening and we went for thai food another time. Everything was going great. We were both able to be super real and everything seemed fantastic. And!!!! Because you are stinkin' adorable, you took me to my first hockey game... and now I'm an addict! Why had I never been to a game before. they get to hit each other and it's legal!!! In fact, it's encouraged. You were very patient in explaining all the rules and just very sweet in general. Do you remember that night? You walked me to my car and we were embracing when I actually made the first move and kissed you. What? I never do that! I think I totally caught you off guard, but man, that was an AMAZING kiss, like wow! But then, you noticed all the cars driving by and I don't think you like PDA, like at all... am I right? So, you quickly diverted to get food someplace nearby. THE WHOLE RIDE over to the joint, I thought, "OMG!!! Why did I kiss him? He is probably completely grossed out and thinks I'm too forward. No! I made it awkward... I never make things awkward. ugh... why did I do that???!!!" Yeah, I never told you that part, but I was freaking out. We walked inside to order and as I was being nervous while attempting to survey the menu. You bumped into me, which I ignored because it was so slight. Then, you nudged me a little more obviously and as I looked your way, you were also staring at the menu, but smiling mischievously. "Oh! Thank God! He's flirting with me!!!!" I was so relieved after that. "Phew. He likes me; I didn't freak him out. yay!" And then we chatted over dinner and afterwards, you held my hand outside.. ah!!! cute! Just as the conversation in the parkinglot was winding down, a bunch of fireworks from a nameless amusement park went off and so there we were watching them, arm in arm, in a parking lot. It was so fun because it was so spontaneous.
Remember that terrible week you had? Where everything at work was hectic? We were looking forward to the weekend, but I didn't realize how much until you hugged me when you greeted me... and you didn't let go. "I really need tonight," you said so sweetly that it caught me off guard. We had wing stop and just walked and talked, a perfect night. I actually felt like we were boyfriend and girlfriend, which actually rarely happens to me. I date a lot of people and most of the time they feel like dates.So this was something new. And then came the constant texting and more dates and more conversations about everything and watching movies or more like kissing while a movie is playing in the background. hehe. Anyway, it was very fun.... at the beginning.
The thing that was inconsistent was your mood swings. You would have these random moments where you would be very closed off and hard. I know we discussed how you are an INTJ personality and so you are overly logical in the way you see the world, which sometimes makes you come off as unsympathetic. But, it was weird how you could be totally vulnerable about talking about something to a certain extent and in the same conversation totally shut off. And then you started to shut off to me. Maybe you got over it, maybe I wan't as interesting anymore? but it showed. And why were you still constantly texting me if you were over it? Lonely? You stopped paying for me and got very closed and apathetic about where we would hang out. I could see that this was coming to a close, which was unfortunate because we had so many sweet moments together.
Do you remember the last time we hung out? It was at that Irish pub. I told myself that if you were going to continue to be annoyingly closed off and distant that it would be the last time I'd see you...and it was. Oh, come on. It was obvious. The dinner conversation was lacking, we were wandering around stupid banana republic talking about how much I hated orange and when I suggested that we do something, you turned down all my ideas, so I asked what was up and when you said, "nothing," I told you we could end the night. "No," you insisted. So then when we went back to my car and started kissing at this perfect spot on a hill, until.... you didn't even want to kiss me!!!! What? I don't know why I was so emotional. "Well, we can just go home then" I kindly and solemnly said on the brink of tears. You couldn't see because my head was turned away. And then, you grabbed my waist and held me. I'm so confused! I don't do this. Unlike most modern girls, I actually HATE these kind of games with a passion. But, you still were being distant and weird, so I eventually drove us back. You could feel the tension in the car. "So are you over it?" I asked. "What do you mean? " you said. Really? are you that oblivious? "You and me. Us. Are you over it?" and you're response actually surprised me. "What? NO! I'm... I'm sorry. I'm just really tired." Like you were shocked I would suggest such a thing. "Well, you just seem like you're really not into it." "No, that's not true," you pleaded. I dropped you off at your car... and WHY am I driving anyway??? "Goodnight," "goodnight."
You texted me the next day about your refrigerator and I asked if you were beginning to get emotionally invested because I was. When you said, "it takes a long time for me to be emotionally invested," I told you I couldn't do it and we said our polite goodbyes.
I don't know if it was because of the stuff with your dad? Maybe you're so afraid to let someone connect with you because that leaves you vulnerable to get hurt? Maybe you're emotionally protecting yourself? Maybe you're just really selfish and this is what you do.. get girls to break up with you so you don't have to feel guilty about ending it because you don't want to quit on someone like your dad did? But at the same time, you're shutting off which defeats the whole purpose anyway.. You're just very hard and I learned I could never be with someone that was so emotionally hard and unavailable. It would drive me crazy. I won't chase someone my whole life, that's exhausting. I want someone who is soft and kind and thoughtful, who is sweet and tender. Enough of these "macho" men. blegh. No offense... actually yes offense. I hope you are offended and next time you learn how to better communicate. So there. But I really am sorry it came to this...
Sincerely,
That girl once in your arms
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