Here's the scenario: I met this guy online. It was actually the first online date of my soon to follow binge of 8 months of okaycupid. We messaged a few times before he told me I was gorgeous and he wanted to meet me.I have rules to always meet at a public place with lots of people, drive separately, tell someone where I'm going ect. He was willing to drive over an hour from his town to mine where we had a nice dinner at a chic place (I'm fabulous at choosing locations!!)
Dear mr clingy pants,
REALLY? I don't know where to begin!!! Maybe with: STOP texting me. I went on a date with you, as in singular, one!!! And you still send me the occasional text every couple months. No means no. I've ignored you for 8 months. How could you think that anything will develop?! I also have all my friends listen to your voicemails you leave and we find it quite entertaining how you talk about the beach and how it reminds you of me, oh and the other best one is the recitations of shakespeare. oh dear. It doesn't matter how many times you quote your poetry, I'm obviously ignoring you. I told you that night I wasn't interested and you sent me 52 text messages (trying to convince me to give you a chance) within the next 5 days. 52!!!!!!I know because I counted. I don't know you. You either have the emotional maturity of a 15 year old or you've never had a healthy friendship. I hate to be mean, but it was the only way to get rid of you... for a while. And how did you find my e mail??? That's just plain creepy. If I start finding letters on my doorstep, I'm getting a restraining order.
The date was actually really normal... Well, once I got over the fact that you clearly didn't look like your picture! I mean, did you think I wasn't going to find out.? And it was pretty awkward when the waitress said, "Well, you two make an unusual couple." The part that really stood out to me however was when you hastily mentioned you had a surprise for me. I mean, I expected flowers or chocolate. Nope. You pulled out the novel War and Peace, sat it on the table and proceeded to read a pre-selected passage to me ... for TWO WHOLE MINUTES?! I don't think you noticed the people staring at us, but I did. I went to the bathroom to call my sister. I thought I was in the middle of a seinfield episode, that it couldn't be real. And the worst part is I was so dressed up, like dressed up, in a nice black dress because you insisted that I look nice. Who does that anyway? I think you said, "Make sure you look beautiful." Sir, please! I can do that. You probably shouldn't say that in the future.
Well, at least the wine was perfect and the caesar salmon salads were wonderful and the conversation was actually kind of interesting. You do have 2 masters degrees and you've been to 27 countries. Your stories and education are cool and totally great selling points for you. We did laugh a lot. I really do think that you will find your future person. But here's some tips:
1.Don't tell her to "make sure she looks nice."
2. Represent yourself correctly
3. No novels on the first date, in fact, no presents... just be normal, wait it out a while to see who she actually is, so you can get something specific to her (Which will mean more anyway)
4. Don't do that thing where you curl up like a cat with your hands under your chin and your back curved. It's creepy and you only do it when you're "listening," which makes it even more strange
5. MOST IMPORTANT: When she says she's not interested, back off. I mean, it takes a lot for girls to be blunt and actually say: I'm not interested, not feeling it or any variation. Usually, they'll make up an excuse not to see you because they're "busy." So when they can actually say it, you need to forget they exist, delete their number. If they ever want to contact you again, they will.
In conclusion, I guess I should say thank you. Your story is the one I always love to tell about my online dating experiences, it was rather unforgettable in a way. Maybe you won't be so clingy in the future...
Sincerely,
That girl you need to get over
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